1 00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:01,764 - hot in cleveland is recorded 2 00:00:01,787 --> 00:00:03,840 In front of a live Studio audience. 3 00:00:03,863 --> 00:00:05,628 - no! 4 00:00:05,651 --> 00:00:07,033 - what's going on? 5 00:00:07,056 --> 00:00:08,408 - w-w-what happened? 6 00:00:08,430 --> 00:00:09,590 - I gained a pound. 7 00:00:09,613 --> 00:00:11,187 Oh, my god. 8 00:00:11,209 --> 00:00:13,455 - so you gained a pound? 9 00:00:13,477 --> 00:00:16,169 There's more coming. 10 00:00:16,192 --> 00:00:18,406 You're clevelanders now. 11 00:00:18,429 --> 00:00:20,290 - she's right. It's happening. 12 00:00:20,313 --> 00:00:22,494 My body is going native. 13 00:00:22,517 --> 00:00:25,305 Ugh, you eat one Deep-fried oreo on a dare 14 00:00:25,327 --> 00:00:26,358 And the next thing You know, 15 00:00:26,382 --> 00:00:28,052 You're on that slippery, Buttery slope 16 00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:31,310 To an elastic waistband. 17 00:00:31,333 --> 00:00:32,939 - no! 18 00:00:32,962 --> 00:00:33,898 I've gained a pound too! 19 00:00:33,921 --> 00:00:35,654 - oh, good. I'm not alone. 20 00:00:35,677 --> 00:00:37,315 - well, you don't have To sound so happy. 21 00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:39,167 - well, I'm on an emotional Roller coaster. 22 00:00:39,190 --> 00:00:40,190 You understand. 23 00:00:40,212 --> 00:00:42,777 You're porky like me. 24 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,375 - uh-uh. I'm not going near that thing. 25 00:00:44,397 --> 00:00:46,418 Last week, I went to An italian street fair 26 00:00:46,441 --> 00:00:48,813 And I had a cannoli Inside a zeppoli 27 00:00:48,836 --> 00:00:50,666 Inside a stromboli. 28 00:00:50,689 --> 00:00:53,222 It was their version Of a turducken. 29 00:00:53,245 --> 00:00:54,915 - oh, please. 30 00:00:54,938 --> 00:00:57,119 The average woman could eat Your combined weight 31 00:00:57,142 --> 00:00:59,771 In cheese fries. 32 00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:01,495 - you know, if we were In los angeles, 33 00:01:01,518 --> 00:01:03,060 This would be so easy. 34 00:01:03,083 --> 00:01:05,680 All we would have to do is go Dance off the extra pounds. 35 00:01:05,703 --> 00:01:08,235 But we can't do that here Because we don't have our gbffs. 36 00:01:08,259 --> 00:01:09,353 - your what? 37 00:01:09,376 --> 00:01:10,949 - g-b-f-fs. 38 00:01:10,972 --> 00:01:13,506 Gay best friends forever. 39 00:01:13,529 --> 00:01:16,124 In l.A., every woman Has one to go shopping with 40 00:01:16,147 --> 00:01:17,307 And dancing with. 41 00:01:17,329 --> 00:01:20,054 - watch the oscars Pre-show with. 42 00:01:20,077 --> 00:01:23,088 - these are The gays of our lives. 43 00:01:23,111 --> 00:01:25,484 - well, you can still dance With straight men. 44 00:01:26,529 --> 00:01:27,815 - dancing with A straight man 45 00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,541 Is like putting A hat on your dog. 46 00:01:29,564 --> 00:01:34,109 It's fun, but you know He hates it. 47 00:01:34,131 --> 00:01:36,184 - now I really miss jeffrey. 48 00:01:36,206 --> 00:01:37,973 - oh, and I miss vladimir. 49 00:01:37,996 --> 00:01:42,572 - I miss daniel And rodney and charles. 50 00:01:42,596 --> 00:01:44,329 I can't hold on to my gays. 51 00:01:44,352 --> 00:01:48,322 - shocker. 52 00:01:48,345 --> 00:01:50,047 - you know what we need To do? 53 00:01:50,069 --> 00:01:51,868 Go out and find cleveland gbffs. 54 00:01:51,890 --> 00:01:54,295 - I would love to find A cleveland jeffrey. 55 00:01:54,318 --> 00:01:56,149 Someone who knows all The latest fashions 56 00:01:56,171 --> 00:01:58,959 And then tells me which ones I'm too old to pull off. 57 00:01:58,982 --> 00:02:00,173 Someone who can call me "Bitch" 58 00:02:00,196 --> 00:02:04,389 And make it feel like a hug. 59 00:02:04,412 --> 00:02:07,296 - let's do this. 60 00:02:07,318 --> 00:02:08,286 - no, wait. 61 00:02:08,309 --> 00:02:10,043 Is there even a gay part Of cleveland? 62 00:02:10,066 --> 00:02:11,256 - of course. 63 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,854 It's down where The auto shops 64 00:02:12,878 --> 00:02:16,208 Have all been turned Into cute cafes. 65 00:02:16,231 --> 00:02:19,582 And one art gallery I do not recommend. 66 00:02:22,491 --> 00:02:24,034 - I love this. 67 00:02:24,056 --> 00:02:25,982 You know, when you go out With straight men, 68 00:02:26,005 --> 00:02:27,004 You have to create The illusion 69 00:02:27,027 --> 00:02:28,825 That you're not wearing Any makeup. 70 00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:30,870 But for a gay club, You can just slap it on 71 00:02:30,893 --> 00:02:32,881 With a trowel. 72 00:02:32,904 --> 00:02:34,766 - they are gonna go crazy For us. 73 00:02:34,789 --> 00:02:38,045 We are so not gonna Get laid tonight. 74 00:02:45,201 --> 00:02:50,184 - you three look ridiculous. 75 00:03:02,259 --> 00:03:03,769 - ugh. 76 00:03:03,792 --> 00:03:06,102 It's a sea Of product-free hair 77 00:03:06,124 --> 00:03:07,283 And the game is on. 78 00:03:07,306 --> 00:03:08,784 Are we sure this Is a gay bar? 79 00:03:08,807 --> 00:03:11,339 - you're victoria chase. 80 00:03:11,362 --> 00:03:14,151 - it's a gay bar. 81 00:03:14,174 --> 00:03:15,844 Well, hello, new friend. 82 00:03:15,868 --> 00:03:17,313 - I'm glad I saw you before The others 83 00:03:17,336 --> 00:03:18,558 Started to swarm. 84 00:03:18,581 --> 00:03:19,900 May I get you a drink? 85 00:03:19,923 --> 00:03:21,561 - that would be lovely. 86 00:03:21,584 --> 00:03:22,519 - let me think. 87 00:03:22,543 --> 00:03:24,469 A bellini, 'cause the peach 88 00:03:24,492 --> 00:03:26,289 Will match your complexion 89 00:03:26,311 --> 00:03:30,122 And the champagne will sparkle Like your eyes. 90 00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:33,316 - I'm intoxicated already. 91 00:03:33,339 --> 00:03:34,753 Oh. 92 00:03:34,776 --> 00:03:36,830 Young, latin, adoring. 93 00:03:36,852 --> 00:03:39,384 Could he be any more my type? 94 00:03:39,407 --> 00:03:40,502 - mmm, yeah, Don't forget, 95 00:03:40,525 --> 00:03:41,652 We're here to find gbffs, Not lovers. 96 00:03:41,675 --> 00:03:44,655 - I know, But he's just so attractive. 97 00:03:44,679 --> 00:03:47,690 A part of me wishes that I could Be a man for one night 98 00:03:47,713 --> 00:03:50,629 And have him look Into my eyes and want me 99 00:03:50,652 --> 00:03:54,494 The way that only a man Can want another man. 100 00:03:54,517 --> 00:03:57,146 - I think we're getting into A weird area here. 101 00:03:57,168 --> 00:03:58,645 - well, I can't help it. 102 00:03:58,668 --> 00:04:01,649 I mean, look at those arms And shoulders. 103 00:04:01,672 --> 00:04:05,163 - nice buns too. 104 00:04:05,185 --> 00:04:06,216 What? 105 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,198 It's the name of the bar. 106 00:04:08,221 --> 00:04:11,583 - oh. 107 00:04:11,605 --> 00:04:13,244 - well, victoria's Got her target, 108 00:04:13,266 --> 00:04:16,023 But what about us? 109 00:04:16,046 --> 00:04:18,354 - I think that loser Drinking alone 110 00:04:18,377 --> 00:04:20,303 Looks like your type. 111 00:04:20,325 --> 00:04:21,932 - oh, thank you, elka. 112 00:04:21,955 --> 00:04:23,305 I mean, I know you meant that As an insult, 113 00:04:23,328 --> 00:04:25,318 But he's perfect. 114 00:04:25,341 --> 00:04:26,690 I've always chosen The popular 115 00:04:26,714 --> 00:04:29,949 And charismatic gays And they've always left me. 116 00:04:29,973 --> 00:04:32,506 But a stray gay, I'll befriend him. 117 00:04:32,528 --> 00:04:35,028 He'll be so grateful. He'll never leave me. 118 00:04:35,051 --> 00:04:37,838 - okay, you've got Your fawning latin. 119 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:41,321 You have your stray you're gonna Lock in a shed out back. 120 00:04:41,344 --> 00:04:43,301 But I don't see anybody here For me. 121 00:04:43,324 --> 00:04:44,259 I mean, they all look straight. 122 00:04:44,282 --> 00:04:45,250 They're all wearing plaid. 123 00:04:45,273 --> 00:04:47,390 And not ironic plaid. 124 00:04:47,412 --> 00:04:50,329 Not even lesbian plaid. 125 00:04:50,352 --> 00:04:53,683 - elka? 126 00:04:53,706 --> 00:04:55,567 Elka ostrovsky? 127 00:04:55,590 --> 00:04:59,431 - lydia dombrowski? 128 00:04:59,454 --> 00:05:02,467 - oh! 129 00:05:02,489 --> 00:05:04,415 - elka, what are you doing? 130 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:07,216 - she had that coming. 131 00:05:11,624 --> 00:05:12,849 - elka, why did you hit her? 132 00:05:12,871 --> 00:05:13,807 Who is she? 133 00:05:13,829 --> 00:05:16,202 - lydia was my best friend... 134 00:05:16,225 --> 00:05:19,491 Until the camping trip when She slept with my husband. 135 00:05:19,514 --> 00:05:21,696 - I didn't do that, elka. 136 00:05:21,719 --> 00:05:23,357 - and I didn't punch Your face 137 00:05:23,380 --> 00:05:28,499 In order to hear it Talk more. 138 00:05:28,522 --> 00:05:30,735 - bob and I were In the sleeping bag 139 00:05:30,758 --> 00:05:32,619 Because I had frostbite And he was trying 140 00:05:32,642 --> 00:05:33,673 To keep me warm. 141 00:05:33,696 --> 00:05:35,111 - liar. 142 00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:36,293 - if you don't believe that, 143 00:05:36,316 --> 00:05:37,922 Then believe my three toes. 144 00:05:37,945 --> 00:05:39,104 - oh, jeez. - ugh. 145 00:05:39,127 --> 00:05:40,989 - no. 146 00:05:41,012 --> 00:05:43,256 - one went to market, One stayed home, 147 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:46,163 One had roast beef, And the last two 148 00:05:46,186 --> 00:05:49,101 Got black and fell off. 149 00:05:49,124 --> 00:05:52,232 - so the story bob Told me... 150 00:05:52,256 --> 00:05:53,637 Was true. 151 00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:54,851 - mm-hmm. 152 00:05:54,874 --> 00:05:57,758 - I burned all his baseball Cards for nothing. 153 00:05:57,782 --> 00:05:59,675 - you burned baseball cards? 154 00:05:59,698 --> 00:06:00,793 - see? 155 00:06:00,816 --> 00:06:03,668 This is the least-gay Gay bar ever. 156 00:06:03,691 --> 00:06:06,063 - oh, lydia, I'm so sorry. 157 00:06:06,086 --> 00:06:07,756 - oh, honey. 158 00:06:07,780 --> 00:06:09,481 - can I buy you a drink? - no. 159 00:06:09,504 --> 00:06:10,663 Let me get you one. 160 00:06:10,685 --> 00:06:11,781 I own this place. 161 00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:13,634 - really? A gay bar? 162 00:06:13,656 --> 00:06:16,924 - initially, nice buns Was a bakery 163 00:06:16,947 --> 00:06:19,096 And then it was a gym And then it was a gay gym 164 00:06:19,119 --> 00:06:20,917 And now it's a gay bar. 165 00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:23,311 - maybe someday it'll Be a gay bakery. 166 00:06:23,335 --> 00:06:25,676 - no, that's down the street. 167 00:06:25,699 --> 00:06:29,860 Pie-curious. 168 00:06:29,883 --> 00:06:31,553 - ugh. 169 00:06:31,576 --> 00:06:33,725 Old people sex talk, Missing toes. 170 00:06:33,748 --> 00:06:35,291 I need something beautiful To look at. 171 00:06:35,314 --> 00:06:36,792 Where's my leandro? 172 00:06:36,814 --> 00:06:38,485 Ah, there he is. 173 00:06:38,508 --> 00:06:39,763 - don't fall in love. 174 00:06:39,786 --> 00:06:43,947 - eh, might be too late. 175 00:06:43,969 --> 00:06:46,374 - would you be okay If I go get my stray? 176 00:06:46,397 --> 00:06:47,716 - oh, yeah, yeah, sure. 177 00:06:47,739 --> 00:06:49,377 I'll just keep scouting. Ooh! 178 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,380 Possible designer jacket Headed this way. 179 00:06:52,403 --> 00:06:54,679 Hi. Armani? 180 00:06:54,702 --> 00:06:57,043 - no. Joe. 181 00:06:57,066 --> 00:06:59,725 - no, whose jacket Are you wearing? 182 00:06:59,749 --> 00:07:01,930 - mine. 183 00:07:01,953 --> 00:07:05,986 - yeah, keep walking. 184 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,328 - excuse me. 185 00:07:07,351 --> 00:07:09,212 Is this seat taken? - never. 186 00:07:09,235 --> 00:07:10,842 - so you're not expecting A date 187 00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,375 Or a straight gal pal? 188 00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:14,260 - nope, I'm completely alone. 189 00:07:14,282 --> 00:07:16,783 - delightful. 190 00:07:16,806 --> 00:07:20,872 - I can't get over How smooth your skin is. 191 00:07:20,894 --> 00:07:23,011 - mmm, and I yours. 192 00:07:23,034 --> 00:07:25,631 - I know we just met, But I have to say it. 193 00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:27,228 I'm very attracted to you. 194 00:07:27,251 --> 00:07:29,623 - you are? Really? 195 00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:30,710 But... But aren't you... 196 00:07:30,733 --> 00:07:33,234 - ah, don't be coy, Victoria chase. 197 00:07:33,257 --> 00:07:36,140 So charming. Such presence. 198 00:07:36,163 --> 00:07:38,122 You're gonna win for sure. 199 00:07:38,145 --> 00:07:39,877 - excuse me? 200 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:43,699 - the celebrity Drag queen contest. 201 00:07:47,376 --> 00:07:50,482 I just saw the other contestants Backstage getting ready 202 00:07:50,505 --> 00:07:52,623 And none of the marilyn monroes Can hold 203 00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:55,178 A candle in the wind to you. 204 00:07:55,201 --> 00:07:57,510 - so you think that I'm... 205 00:07:57,533 --> 00:08:03,100 - the most beautiful man I ever seen. 206 00:08:03,123 --> 00:08:07,762 Bottoms up. 207 00:08:07,785 --> 00:08:11,234 - all right. 208 00:08:16,218 --> 00:08:17,729 - so he thinks you're A drag queen? 209 00:08:17,752 --> 00:08:19,261 - well, at first I was insulted, 210 00:08:19,285 --> 00:08:22,136 But then I realized it's Just all this extra makeup. 211 00:08:22,159 --> 00:08:24,437 Look, I'll admit that It's unconventional, 212 00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:27,152 But we really made A connection. 213 00:08:27,175 --> 00:08:28,652 And honestly, If you don't bring up 214 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:29,867 The fact that you're Not a man 215 00:08:29,889 --> 00:08:31,368 In the first five minutes Of conversation, 216 00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:35,201 It is so hard to swing it Back around. 217 00:08:36,853 --> 00:08:38,619 You're with a man who thinks You're a man 218 00:08:38,642 --> 00:08:39,896 Pretending to be a woman. 219 00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:41,366 - yes. 220 00:08:41,389 --> 00:08:46,317 I am victor victoria chase. 221 00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:47,946 - honey, I know you don't Like to think 222 00:08:47,970 --> 00:08:49,895 Two steps ahead, But in this case, 223 00:08:49,917 --> 00:08:52,738 Just one step might lead you To question what you're doing. 224 00:08:52,761 --> 00:08:53,888 - well, I don't know. 225 00:08:53,911 --> 00:08:56,187 Every relationship requires Some acting. 226 00:08:56,210 --> 00:09:00,330 And in this case, Some props. 227 00:09:02,119 --> 00:09:04,587 - how are you even Pulling this off? 228 00:09:04,611 --> 00:09:05,865 I mean, how are you Explaining your voice? 229 00:09:05,888 --> 00:09:07,654 - I told him it Was naturally high 230 00:09:07,676 --> 00:09:09,858 Because of my unusually Long neck. 231 00:09:09,881 --> 00:09:13,947 You should see how gently He touches my adam's apple. 232 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,320 - you don't have An adam's apple. 233 00:09:15,342 --> 00:09:16,950 - well, that's what leandro Loves about it. 234 00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,707 That it's not there. 235 00:09:18,730 --> 00:09:21,411 - well, then he's really gonna Love your penis. 236 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,171 - okay, I have a few ideas About that. 237 00:09:27,194 --> 00:09:30,142 - yeah, uh, please don't share. 238 00:09:30,164 --> 00:09:31,579 Where are the other Drag queens? 239 00:09:31,603 --> 00:09:33,720 - oh, leandro says they're Backstage prepping. 240 00:09:33,742 --> 00:09:34,837 - oh. - oh, look. 241 00:09:34,860 --> 00:09:37,712 Here are a few now. 242 00:09:37,735 --> 00:09:39,564 - I don't know if I should be supportive, 243 00:09:39,587 --> 00:09:41,672 But I think you're gonna Win this contest. 244 00:09:41,695 --> 00:09:43,366 - matthew and I will vote For you. 245 00:09:43,389 --> 00:09:44,451 - matthew? 246 00:09:44,474 --> 00:09:45,953 Oh, your lonely boy. 247 00:09:45,977 --> 00:09:47,295 - yes. - oh. 248 00:09:47,317 --> 00:09:48,412 - he's perfect. 249 00:09:48,434 --> 00:09:50,233 He's never been A gbff before. 250 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,917 I get to train him To be everything I want. 251 00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:54,961 It's the ultimate Female fantasy. 252 00:09:54,983 --> 00:09:57,932 - when you don't have To use sex as a reward. 253 00:09:57,954 --> 00:10:00,200 - it's a shame we lost So many years. 254 00:10:00,222 --> 00:10:02,691 All our friends had To pick sides. 255 00:10:02,714 --> 00:10:04,288 - how's esther? 256 00:10:04,311 --> 00:10:05,884 - oh, funny, Pretty esther? 257 00:10:05,908 --> 00:10:06,843 - uh-huh. 258 00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:09,431 - dead. 259 00:10:09,453 --> 00:10:11,060 You hear from marty? 260 00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:12,688 - moved to florida. 261 00:10:12,711 --> 00:10:15,117 Same as dead. 262 00:10:15,140 --> 00:10:16,298 - charles? 263 00:10:16,322 --> 00:10:18,757 - following the dead. 264 00:10:18,780 --> 00:10:20,771 - so the dead Are still together? 265 00:10:20,793 --> 00:10:23,580 - all except jerry garcia. 266 00:10:23,604 --> 00:10:25,434 Dead. 267 00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:27,988 - to the dead. 268 00:10:28,012 --> 00:10:30,545 - so you have No opinion whatsoever 269 00:10:30,568 --> 00:10:31,695 About whether A woman my age 270 00:10:31,718 --> 00:10:32,940 Should wear over-the-knee Boots? 271 00:10:32,963 --> 00:10:35,911 - you mean like for fishing? 272 00:10:35,933 --> 00:10:38,210 - this place sucks. 273 00:10:38,233 --> 00:10:42,331 - so, how exactly does this Whole gbff thing work? 274 00:10:42,354 --> 00:10:46,802 - have you not seen rupert Everett in... Anything? 275 00:10:46,826 --> 00:10:49,454 We go dancing together, We go to clubs, 276 00:10:49,477 --> 00:10:51,722 We get to be each other's Plus one at weddings... 277 00:10:51,745 --> 00:10:53,798 Unless, of course, one of us Hooks up with a groomsman. 278 00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:55,618 - oh, I never hook up. 279 00:10:55,642 --> 00:10:58,750 - I know! We're gonna Have so much fun. 280 00:10:58,773 --> 00:11:01,049 We'll go shopping, We'll gossip. 281 00:11:01,073 --> 00:11:02,870 I'll tell you what's wrong with The way you look. 282 00:11:02,893 --> 00:11:04,531 You'll tell me what's wrong With the way I look. 283 00:11:04,554 --> 00:11:06,048 - you can make me look better Than this? 284 00:11:08,547 --> 00:11:11,431 Oh, you weren't joking. 285 00:11:11,454 --> 00:11:14,624 - rome has all the architecture And the history. 286 00:11:14,647 --> 00:11:17,404 - yes, but london has all that And the theatre. 287 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,288 - but if we're talking most Beautiful, 288 00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:21,205 It would have to be... 289 00:11:21,227 --> 00:11:23,984 Both: positano. 290 00:11:24,006 --> 00:11:26,412 - wouldn't it be great If we were on my boat right now, 291 00:11:26,435 --> 00:11:28,104 Sailing to capri? 292 00:11:28,127 --> 00:11:29,094 - yes. 293 00:11:29,117 --> 00:11:30,851 - you stretched out In the sun... 294 00:11:30,875 --> 00:11:32,128 - yes. 295 00:11:32,152 --> 00:11:37,176 - in your skin-tight speedo. 296 00:11:37,199 --> 00:11:39,635 Leaving nothing To the imagination. 297 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:43,660 - oh, let's not rule out Imagination. 298 00:11:43,683 --> 00:11:45,034 Would you excuse me For just a moment? 299 00:11:45,057 --> 00:11:46,982 I'm gonna to pop into The ladies room. 300 00:11:47,005 --> 00:11:48,803 - oh, I admire your commitment To your character, 301 00:11:48,826 --> 00:11:51,198 But they will never allow a man Into the ladies' room. 302 00:11:51,221 --> 00:11:52,253 I'll take you To the men's room. 303 00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:55,191 Follow me. 304 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,884 - he's taking me To the men's room. 305 00:11:56,907 --> 00:11:57,842 What should I do? 306 00:11:57,865 --> 00:12:00,494 Stall. 307 00:12:00,516 --> 00:12:03,325 - I can't stall. I've really gotta pee. 308 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,597 - is that a signed photo Of john glenn? 309 00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:12,951 - oh, yeah, he could never get Enough of the cream puffs... 310 00:12:12,974 --> 00:12:17,678 When this was a bakery. 311 00:12:17,701 --> 00:12:20,522 - hey, that's a picture of you And my husband 312 00:12:20,544 --> 00:12:21,831 On our camping trip. 313 00:12:21,854 --> 00:12:26,718 I was in that picture. How come you cut me out? 314 00:12:26,741 --> 00:12:30,444 - uh, you want to see My toes again? 315 00:12:41,115 --> 00:12:44,702 Remember, no peeking. 316 00:12:44,725 --> 00:12:46,320 Zzzip. 317 00:13:00,184 --> 00:13:01,983 Matthew! You look fabulous. 318 00:13:02,005 --> 00:13:03,483 - thanks to my gbff, joy. 319 00:13:03,506 --> 00:13:07,125 - no, you're my gbff. Oh, you'll get the hang of it. 320 00:13:07,148 --> 00:13:08,562 I thought tomorrow night, We could go dancing. 321 00:13:08,585 --> 00:13:09,584 - love it. 322 00:13:09,607 --> 00:13:11,117 There's a lot of great clubs Downtown 323 00:13:11,140 --> 00:13:12,683 Or there's this one place In the flats. 324 00:13:12,706 --> 00:13:15,366 Or... 325 00:13:15,389 --> 00:13:16,643 Is that guy Checking me out? 326 00:13:16,666 --> 00:13:18,241 - no, I don't think so. 327 00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:19,869 You were saying. Great club. Us. 328 00:13:19,892 --> 00:13:21,914 - he is totally Checking me out. 329 00:13:21,938 --> 00:13:23,511 - well, then you should play Hard to get. 330 00:13:23,534 --> 00:13:27,919 Don't even look... And he's gone. 331 00:13:27,942 --> 00:13:29,228 Story of my life. 332 00:13:29,251 --> 00:13:33,093 Always a beard trimmer, Never a beard. 333 00:13:33,117 --> 00:13:35,043 - ooh, how did it go? 334 00:13:35,066 --> 00:13:36,256 - well, If there were an emmy 335 00:13:36,279 --> 00:13:37,757 For outstanding performance In a men's room, 336 00:13:37,780 --> 00:13:39,930 I would have won it. 337 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,334 - he still doesn't know? 338 00:13:41,357 --> 00:13:42,837 - well, if he did, Would he have invited me 339 00:13:42,859 --> 00:13:45,358 To go dancing After the contest tonight? 340 00:13:45,382 --> 00:13:49,320 - dancing. You're a lucky man. 341 00:13:49,343 --> 00:13:52,993 - you expect me to believe That john glenn begged you 342 00:13:53,017 --> 00:13:55,997 To cut my picture out so he Could look at it in space? 343 00:13:56,019 --> 00:13:58,137 - you were very fetching Back then. 344 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,245 And until Bill clinton was president, 345 00:14:00,268 --> 00:14:02,864 There was no porn in space. 346 00:14:02,887 --> 00:14:05,312 Let's get drunk. 347 00:14:08,605 --> 00:14:12,159 - oh, hey. That's A great picture, isn't it? 348 00:14:12,182 --> 00:14:13,181 Did you know my dad? 349 00:14:13,204 --> 00:14:14,906 - your dad? 350 00:14:14,929 --> 00:14:16,471 - mm-hmm. 351 00:14:18,954 --> 00:14:20,176 - mom, are you okay? 352 00:14:20,199 --> 00:14:22,060 - I'm fine, I'm fine. Go get a mop. 353 00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:24,999 The good one from home. 354 00:14:25,022 --> 00:14:26,085 - I'll just get one From the back. 355 00:14:26,109 --> 00:14:28,354 I'll be right back. 356 00:14:28,377 --> 00:14:29,631 - what's going on? 357 00:14:29,654 --> 00:14:32,506 - this three-toed liar Slept with my husband 358 00:14:32,529 --> 00:14:33,976 And they had a son! 359 00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:35,956 - wow. - oh, my! 360 00:14:35,978 --> 00:14:37,393 - oh, I'm sorry, elka. 361 00:14:37,416 --> 00:14:40,779 It was just one time, and we Hated ourselves for it. 362 00:14:40,802 --> 00:14:44,229 - not as much as I hate you Right now. 363 00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:47,456 I can't believe bob had a son And never told me. 364 00:14:47,479 --> 00:14:49,850 - well, he didn't know. And elliot doesn't know either. 365 00:14:49,874 --> 00:14:52,150 And I'm begging you Not to tell him. 366 00:14:52,173 --> 00:14:53,715 - what does your son know? 367 00:14:53,739 --> 00:14:56,782 - I told him his father died In a lumberjack accident. 368 00:14:56,804 --> 00:14:58,283 - a lumberjack accident? 369 00:14:58,306 --> 00:14:59,816 - I was a single mother 370 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,075 And I wanted him to have A strong male role model, 371 00:15:03,098 --> 00:15:07,227 And the brawny paper towels Were sitting right there. 372 00:15:07,249 --> 00:15:08,985 - I'm going to tell him The truth. 373 00:15:09,007 --> 00:15:10,422 - oh, no, You'll crush him. 374 00:15:10,445 --> 00:15:13,136 - oh, well, there's a lot Of that going around. 375 00:15:13,159 --> 00:15:14,287 - let us talk to her. 376 00:15:14,310 --> 00:15:16,522 - oh, thank you. 377 00:15:16,545 --> 00:15:19,238 - elka, listen, I know you're in shock. 378 00:15:19,261 --> 00:15:20,675 It's completely Understandable, 379 00:15:20,698 --> 00:15:22,974 But do you really want to Hurt some innocent guy 380 00:15:22,998 --> 00:15:24,955 Just to get revenge On his mother? 381 00:15:24,978 --> 00:15:28,085 - yes. 382 00:15:28,108 --> 00:15:30,673 - I have some experience With revenge, elka. 383 00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:32,845 It's never as satisfying As you hope, 384 00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:36,231 And the police always come Sooner than you expect. 385 00:15:36,254 --> 00:15:38,882 - just think about What you're doing. 386 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,256 And that Coming from someone 387 00:15:40,278 --> 00:15:41,948 Who hates to think about What's she's doing. 388 00:15:41,971 --> 00:15:44,599 - mom, what is going on With you? 389 00:15:44,622 --> 00:15:46,357 I'm not gonna leave Till I clean up this mess. 390 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,911 - no, this is my mess. I'll clean it up. 391 00:15:48,934 --> 00:15:50,125 - no, I will. 392 00:15:50,148 --> 00:15:52,489 The rest of you can go. 393 00:15:52,512 --> 00:15:55,811 I said go! 394 00:15:55,834 --> 00:15:58,239 - what's going on With my mother? 395 00:15:58,262 --> 00:16:03,861 - oh, well, I can tell you Something about your mother. 396 00:16:03,884 --> 00:16:07,151 You didn't get Those eyes from her. 397 00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:10,504 You look so much Like your father. 398 00:16:10,528 --> 00:16:12,964 Are you a lefty? - yes. 399 00:16:12,987 --> 00:16:15,966 - are you allergic to mustard But you can't stop eating it? 400 00:16:15,989 --> 00:16:17,723 - oh, yeah. I swell up at every ball game. 401 00:16:17,747 --> 00:16:18,714 How did you know that? 402 00:16:18,737 --> 00:16:21,269 - and when you hear A military band, 403 00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:23,122 Do you get Goosebumps all over? 404 00:16:23,145 --> 00:16:25,580 - yes. Every time. 405 00:16:25,604 --> 00:16:30,054 - your father Would've liked that. 406 00:16:30,077 --> 00:16:31,171 - wait, She's touching him. 407 00:16:31,194 --> 00:16:32,481 Is that a good thing Or a bad thing? 408 00:16:32,504 --> 00:16:35,611 - stop talking or I'll never be Able to read their lips. 409 00:16:35,634 --> 00:16:39,604 The cumulus toothpaste Is plexi-glass. 410 00:16:39,627 --> 00:16:41,520 - you're very good at that. 411 00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:42,799 - thank you. 412 00:16:42,821 --> 00:16:46,119 - wow, that, uh, that Was some camping trip 413 00:16:46,142 --> 00:16:47,621 You guys went on. 414 00:16:47,644 --> 00:16:49,315 - you told him about The camping trip? 415 00:16:49,338 --> 00:16:53,179 - just how great it was to Have a lumberjack with us. 416 00:16:53,202 --> 00:16:54,265 - thank you, elka. 417 00:16:54,288 --> 00:16:55,830 - it sounds like dad Was quite the catch. 418 00:16:55,854 --> 00:16:57,012 It's a good thing elka 419 00:16:57,035 --> 00:16:59,216 Was dating john glenn At the time. 420 00:16:59,239 --> 00:17:01,709 - elka dated john glenn. 421 00:17:01,731 --> 00:17:04,678 - would you stop? You're the worst at this. 422 00:17:04,702 --> 00:17:07,170 - victoria, the contest Is about to start 423 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,630 In case you need to do Any last minute shaving. 424 00:17:09,653 --> 00:17:12,344 - oh, no need. Electrolysis. 425 00:17:12,368 --> 00:17:15,954 - ouch. You are a strong man, Victoria chase. 426 00:17:15,977 --> 00:17:18,063 - I'll see you In a minute. 427 00:17:18,086 --> 00:17:19,627 Isn't he fabulous? 428 00:17:19,650 --> 00:17:23,620 And he's so attentive To my theoretical needs. 429 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,408 - did you tell him? 430 00:17:25,431 --> 00:17:26,592 - no. 431 00:17:26,615 --> 00:17:28,124 - are you okay? 432 00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:30,871 - I'm in shock And it hurts. 433 00:17:30,893 --> 00:17:33,458 I could use something To get my mind off it. 434 00:17:33,481 --> 00:17:36,492 - well, victoria's About to compete 435 00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:38,857 In a celebrity drag queen Contest as a man 436 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,667 In order to impress a gay man She's fallen in love with 437 00:17:41,690 --> 00:17:43,137 Who doesn't know She's not a man. 438 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,362 - that'll work. 439 00:17:48,142 --> 00:17:49,621 - let's find out Our lucky winner. 440 00:17:49,644 --> 00:17:51,282 Are you ready? Are you ready? 441 00:17:51,305 --> 00:17:52,911 All right. 442 00:17:52,933 --> 00:17:56,137 Second runner up is Liza minnelli. 443 00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:58,788 You did it. 444 00:17:58,812 --> 00:18:00,513 Great job, liza. 445 00:18:00,536 --> 00:18:01,632 All right, step back. 446 00:18:01,654 --> 00:18:03,356 The moment we've all Been waiting for. 447 00:18:03,379 --> 00:18:08,403 The winner of this year's Celebrity drag pageant is... 448 00:18:08,426 --> 00:18:09,968 Susan lucci! 449 00:18:09,991 --> 00:18:12,140 Yes! 450 00:18:12,163 --> 00:18:15,802 - noooooo! 451 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,542 - it was sweet of you guys To get these pies for me. 452 00:18:20,564 --> 00:18:22,490 But what about Your extra pound? 453 00:18:22,513 --> 00:18:27,600 - mmm, there are no calories If you're consoling a friend. 454 00:18:27,623 --> 00:18:29,741 So do you think you're ever Going to see elliot again? 455 00:18:29,764 --> 00:18:32,648 - I'd like to. Eventually. 456 00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:35,968 It was nice looking into My husband's eyes again. 457 00:18:38,037 --> 00:18:40,249 - oh, it's leandro... 458 00:18:40,273 --> 00:18:43,763 Apologizing for leaving me For susan lucci. 459 00:18:43,786 --> 00:18:45,168 I just don't get it. 460 00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:47,820 I mean, what does she have That I don't have? 461 00:18:47,843 --> 00:18:51,493 Oh, yeah. That. 462 00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:52,770 - should we try The lemon meringue? 463 00:18:52,793 --> 00:18:56,443 - no. The guys at pie-curious Were right. 464 00:18:56,466 --> 00:18:59,276 Once you go blackberry... 465 00:19:07,391 --> 00:19:09,445 - well, I know these calories Don't count, 466 00:19:09,468 --> 00:19:13,118 But I just need to know. 467 00:19:13,141 --> 00:19:15,386 Aah! I lost a pound. 468 00:19:15,409 --> 00:19:19,763 - I turned the scale back. 469 00:19:19,785 --> 00:19:23,212 In cleveland, We call that a diet.